Kid Gloves

Late last year I wrote about participating in the distribution of warm clothing and medical supplies brought to Mongolia by the Flagstaff Int’l Relief Effort (F.I.R.E.). I became connected to them after my Cuzzin Ryan and I cooked up the Dulaan Project, a means to harness the astounding energy and heart of the vast online knitting community to create warm clothing for impoverished Mongolians. Through Ryan’s boundlessly enthusiastic cheerleading, and the naturally infectious nature of a good compassionate idea inspiring others, the project has been, let’s be honest, a smash hit.

Meredith Potts, F.I.R.E.’s able director and overall energizer bunny, also happens to be an accomplished photographer. She took a zillion and one shots when she was here and has just now managed to cull through them and pick out some of the most evocative. Meredith kindly made them available to Ryan so she could post them for all of us over at her blog, Mossy Cottage Knits. They’re so poignant. Please go spend some time with them.

I did, and as I perused her readers’ comments, one stuck with me like a tiny burr. It’s a perfectly understandable sentiment, but I think it needs just a little counter-comment. Ryan’s reader reacted to the photos in this way:

“Makes me thank my lucky stars that I was fortunate enough to land on this continent and have the opportunities I've had, when I was born.”

Last night I was delighted to be a guest at a party celebrating the first birthday of Erka and Sharavdorj’s adorable little Gerelchimeg, or Gerlee (pron. Ger-lay) for short. Three families had also been invited and the apartment quickly filled with children ranging from age three to maybe 15. At one point I remarked to Erka’s daughter Mandokhai, “These children are so well-behaved. It’s amazing.”

“Yes,” she replied, “it’s the same all over Asia. The parents are very strict.”

Now, how many of you reading in the West heard that as something negative? These children of strict parents, though, were not well-behaved because they were cowed into submission. The strictness creates respect for adults and the safe feeling of well-defined boundaries, but it’s administered with great love. So they were happy, engaged, polite, self-controlled, played without fighting, and never once became fussy or whiny, none of them, not even the three-year old. And this is not an isolated observation for me. This is something I’ve seen in children all over Mongolia. Plus remarkable self-assurance and independence. Here are five of them (the three-year old is in the background of the second closeup -- she just had her first traditional haircut that's performed sometime in a Mongolian child's third or fourth year), each of whom I found uniquely charming:

I mention this, of course, because I see these children’s qualities contrasting sharply with those of many American children. It may be that we grow up with certain material advantages. But our consumer culture also produces a restless hankering, competition at the expense of cooperation, prolonged adolescence, disrespect for parents and unbelievable rudeness generally, a disconnect from our extended families, and a host of other pressures and anxieties rarely encountered in Mongolia. I’d love for those of you from the West who have traveled and lived in Asia to share your impressions of the children.

Anyway, the last photo in Ryan’s post of all the little salchichas napping (except the one!) is so adorable that I wanted to respond with a pic of my own little boy down and (almost) out. Those floppy ears!

Floki took another trip to the vet yesterday, this time getting examined by the head honchess, Dr. Karen. To Floki’s great alarm and distress, she performed a rectal exam and confirmed the theory, which had been greeted by heaps of email derision by one of our nuns, that his pelvis is, in fact, unusually narrow and underdeveloped, creating an uncomfortably constricted passageway for his elimination. Kinda like squeezing out cake decoration. Kinda.

But I’m so happy to report that Floki’s evolved, in just two miraculous weeks, from a half-dead invalid, into a perfectly normal puppy. He’s able to trot after the cat, play-bite with daddy’s fingers, yip in excitement and, once, even chase his silly little tail.

Yesterday I met with my friend Baasansuren, the young head lama at Erdene Zuu, and broached the idea of Floki eventually ending up there. I really like the idea of him being around monks, stupas, etc. He didn’t say no, so we’ll see what happens.

Comments

[Sarabaite]

It's funny that most people are willing to accept the basic fact that strict rules while growing up can help kids grow up well, but it seems that so many are willing to make exceptions for themselves and for their own kids. "Yes, of course you need to discipline your class, but MY child has this _________ problem, so really, it's only fair that you go extra easy on him. He has a good heart, you know!"

Blah, Blah, no need for me to whine all day.

What a great idea the knitting charity was! Surely, there must be many hobbyists who run into the problem of "What do I DO with all this stuff now?" and who hold off on projects out of a reluctance for needless waste.

Poor little Floki! I assume his problem will be less severe as he grows, right? Luckily, he's still so young that his bones may correct some of the damage.

[Christian]

Floki would have better be named Elvis, after all...

Korean parents teach their kids to obey but, unfortunately, as usual in Korea, when in a public space or situation, parents just do not care *at all*, and kids behave noisily. Parents tend too often to ignore basic safety precautions and I read that Korea ranks among the countries with most children death caused by accident (usually out-doors, involving the crazy Korean drivers, by contrast with the mainly domestic deaths in the West). What I observe daily is consistent with that. Korean young children play freely outdoors, whereas in France there is no way for them to move alone before a certain age. The invisible leash is very tight. I believe the Korean attitude comes from the amazingly fast urbanization of the society. Parents, even the one born in the city, still have this cultural vision of the traditional village, where kids used to move unchecked by their parents, because another parent would certainly check them.

But once children are with the parents or a _related_ adult, i.e. someone entrusted by the parents, in some home (i.e. a totally private context), then they behave very politely.

The same happen with the adults, by the way. You can live million of years in Seoul and be shoved every day, and even sometimes be smashed to the ground, in the subway or along the streets, but you will never get "Excuse me" or a look. (Same situation for the natives.) But once properly introduced, Koreans become the most pleasant people on Earth and will always treat you properly from that moment.

All lies in the relation, everything, and children understand that at an early age.

French kids tend to be educated much more strictly than in Korea, except that the control/power exerted by the parents tends to vanish at the teen ages, so everything is possible thereupon. Strictly, in the sense that the good behaviour does not depend on the relationship but is absolute: there is the Good child and the Bad child, it is a moral affair, no... kidding.

I read that Americans find French parents dictatorial. Americans tend to empower the kids, by asking them what kind of extra activity they would like to undertake at school etc., which sounds pretty harmless indeed. But no way in France. Parents decide everything. Nobody speaks to the child on your back or watch out! There is also this American positive concept of self-esteem, which has no clear translation in French (it is not really "amour-propre", which has not an active sense as in America). But many French parents loose it widely with their teenagers. Not in Korea, where you need the approval of your parents to marry. Otherwise, ciao bambina...

But poor Floki... I hope he will get better.

Finally, I would like to use this post to tell all the people involved in knitting and other charitable activities how much I admire them. Yes, you. You really make a better world. THANKS.

[Christian]

An anecdote. In the home of a Korean friend of my wife who has little girl. The child behaved once naughtily and the mother scolded here by telling here: "What is your uncle [referring to me] going to think [implying: of you and us, as a family]?" It was not: "Don't be naughty!" The accent is always on what others, *who matter in some relation*, might think about the family, which is always one end of every relation in Korea, never the individual subject.

As a college professor, I would add that I much more like my Korean student rather than my past French students. Much more well behaved (even if I don't allow them to keep their caps in the classroom etc.)

[Bolor]

Yeah, people often neglect the intangibles... there is a saying which goes something like "for everything you gain something is lost".

To add a small point, I think there is a little variation within Asia as well. A Japanese friend of mine who's been to Mongolia remarked that people and children behaved really very differently (on a cosmetic level) compared to Japan. Confidence bordering on arrogance, looking straight ahead and not down, not a trace of (perhaps well-deserved?) humility, etc. I told him that that is probably due to the nomadic vs farming angle.

[Norma]

I like your comments, Cuzzin Tom. I have often taken issue with the idea that "discipline" is a dirty word, and it so often leads me and my daughter to meet eyes in some public place and (only mildly facetiously) mouth to each other, "I hate kids," then smile broadly.

[Konchog]

I should have said that the vet felt Floki's pelvis would grow normally and be OK after some time. Many thanks for everyone's concern.

Also, I meant to encourage Asians who have lived/traveled in the West to share their contrasting impressions of our children too. Very interesting comments so far.

[Carol]

I have to agree with you. Being a strict parent is not a bad thing. My parents were quite strict (1st generation immigrants) compared to the North American parents my friends had. However, now I have a well-paying job, a good life and a happy family. They are stuck in dead end jobs or are just generally unhappy.

[Julie]

My kids are 7 and 10, and people sometimes tell me how well-behaved they are - and they always sound surprised when they say it! It's sad that this is what it's come to in America: people are surprised when they meet well-behaved children. I've never thought of myself as strict, but perhaps I am... after all, my kids know their manners, and they know how to be polite and respectful, and they further know that that's what I expect of them at all times. And people wouldn't be surprised by that if it were the usual thing.

I loved the pics in Ryan's post, especially of the little ones napping! (Except for the little guy who wasn't napping...he's got his eye on you, Meredith!) :)

Squeeee! Look at little Floki! I'm glad he's doing so well.

[Carol]

I'll muddle the mix by adding in the Mediterranean. In Turkey, girls are raised to be immensely responsible. A 13 yr old Turkish girl could run a household by herself with no problem. The boys are taught nothing. It is not uncommon to see a 6 yr old boy ordering his teenage sister around.
I stayed with a host family last time I was there. Their young son threw tantrums all the time, and kept jumping out from behind furniture trying to scare me. It was all I could do not to throw him off the balcony!
The people in Mongolia surprised me a bit. In Turkey people are very curious about foreigners. You can't get into a cab without explaining your life story. My experience in UB was the opposite. Even shopkeepers ignore you. But I'm sure once you get to know people you become like family.

[Vedran]

Photos on Ryan's blog are very impressive. Specially one with two paralell rows of sleeping children in tsetserleg.

I hope Floki will indeed one day be strong and proud guardian at walls of Erdene Zuu. I can see him helping tourists to get of their bikes while approaching sacred site of monastery.

[Bessie]

Your comments on the behavior of American children hits home for me. I have a 10 month old daughter and even at this age she has a tremendous will. I feel weak compared to her, though I know in my head and heart that I am the adult and thus far have not let on to my baby how intimidating it is to have the goal of raising a well behaved American child (ha). But other than the material culture and busy parents, I feel some other difficulties for parents here are 1) we are mobile and don't live near our parents who can help us raise and discipline our children 2) older parents like myself have older parents who no longer recall -- or care to recall -- how to help you raise and discipline our children.

That last point may be a bigger cultural loss, it seems somewhere along the way we, as a culture, lost a shared approach to raising well behaved kids. Finally, when there is a shared cultural approach to discipline, a parent's efforts are reinforced by other adults. We certainly don't have that as a given here. Funny, with my goal of raising a well behaved American kid, I find myself watching the foreign parents in my college town to try to pick up tips on ways to control those wonderful but wild little ones.

[Pixie]

My new years resolution is to (re)learn to knit so that I can make toastie goodies for the Dulaan Project. Thanks for the timely reminder. Have not started yet as am saving up for needles and wool, but hopefully Ill be up and running soon :D
Glad to hear Floki's health issues will be resolved naturally as he grows. Keep the puppy piccies coming!

XXPixieXX

[Rinchen Gyatso]

Living in Japan in high school, I always had younger brothers who, when it counted, were generally more polite (that is with strangers or people outside the family). One of my host brothers was a little hellion, though, sneaking into my room and going through my things. I also noticed that at temples little kids were allowed to run around, even in the main shrine room with people praying and no one seemed to care. I think someone once told me that that is the nature of young children, so why get angry with them? As they get older, though, they settle down and are much better behaved than American kids.

However, as Japan becomes more "modern" with the breakdown in the traditional family, with more two-income households, etc.... we see an increase in the same social problems that we see in America--drugs, deliquincy, etc.... I think American and Japan actually go back and forth with the title of the greatest number of suicides in an industrialized nation.

I ofted ran into a real arrogance about how America is so dangerous and Japan isn't, but they're catching up fast. There was more than one case of a little girl killing another child (one even cut a friend's throat with a knife in the cafeteria at school). There were also several shocking reports of child abductions and murders and so on.

Everyone thinks the modern world is progress, but it seems we're backsliding socially as we progress technologically and economically. Om Mani Padme Hum.

[minnie]

i suppose it depends on whose children you see, even in america. my boys, for the most part, are very well behaved. (they're 12 & 14). on another blog, a friend complained about two mothers in the post office who ignored what their children were doing, to include breaking the package mailing kiosk. i suppose the biggest issue is parents who are willing to "own" their children's behavior. I have always tried to teach my children to respect others, and others' property. it's hard when they see other kids getting away with murder.

however, i will say this for my sons: it's not unusual for my sons to hold the door for other people. no matter who they are. i tried.

and let's hear it for floki! he is so adorable!

and i'm one of ryan's crafters. while at this instant i am not working on a dulaan project, i am doing a baby sweater for a charitable group in minnesota. while i know it's helping someone who may not have enough, i do it because it makes me happy to help others. not such a bad thing to be selfish over, i'd say.

[Sarabaite]

To all the animal lovers --

I've made a terrible mistake with my two dogs! I have a pug (18 lbs) and a keeshond (33 lbs) and I left a baggie of York chocolate mints on the floor. There were probably 10 1 1/2 inch mints on the ground when we left for a restaurant, and a bunch of foil wrappers by the time we came back. Most likely, the bigger dog ate most of them. I've already fed them a can of garbanzo beans and taken them for a walk so that they will "push out" whatever is in their digestive tracts as quickly as possible. Any other advice? I know one of the first signs of trouble is a tender-feeling stomach. Is it Mel who is a vet? I thought to post here because the Floki story has brought out the animal lovers in high spirits.

Thanks,
Sarabaite

[Palzang]

Sorry to hear about the cultural changes in Japan. When I was there in the Air Force in the early 70s, the one thing that struck me about the kids there was how well behaved they were. I don't ever recall seeing (or hearing) a crying baby or a little kid whine or fuss. It was very pleasant. Plus they all seemed extraordinarily happy. So sorry to see Americanization set in there!

[Zendette]

Greetings from Kiev! The cultural differences in raising children make such a difference. Israeli children, in general, are loud and have little respect for parents or anyone else. They are similar to American kids, just less well behaved, louder, and seem to have even less respect for others. Say what you will about a Christian upbringing, but some of the best behaved, and happiest children I've seen in the US come from more religious backgrounds. Ukrainian children appear so quiet and well behaved. I see so much love an affection shown the Ukrainian children, even on the streets, that it can't be from lack of love or attention. I'll need to learn the finer details of teaching boundaries among so many other things. Wish me luck :-)
I hope I'll be able to keep up with your blog when I depart for a more remote region tomorrow.